Keeping up with this blog has been a difficult task for me for a while now.
Today I went home for lunch. I had leftover ravioli from the night before that I made with (among other things) Smart Ground Original veggie protein crumbles. They resemble ground beef, but they're made from soy and wheat (and are therefore meatless). Every once in a while I like to please the part of myself that was a vegetarian for six years. I always wonder when I'll make the switch again and stop eating meat.
Anyway, the point I was trying to make was that I had lunch at home. Sitting on the balcony and eating by myself was really relaxing. I was alone with my thoughts, which is a luxury I don't get to enjoy too often these days. I started thinking about how much I miss my parents, how strange it is that they're in Peru and how they've been there for almost four months. I talk to them almost every day, thanks to Skype and cheap long distance phone plans. Our relationship has changed so much with them being over 2,500 miles away.
On the surface, I think my mom is more relaxed. She would always worry about me and, to a lesser extent, my older brother. I don't know if this perspective is ridiculous or not, but I feel like my presence was a constant reminder to her that I don't live my life the way she wants me to. The thing is, she has no idea. She doesn't know how often I smoke weed, or how much sex I've had in the past, or how much I enjoy going out and drinking with my friends, or how much I dislike religion, or how little faith I have in the idea of a "supreme being."
On way too many occasions, I felt like the mere mentioning of my friends would remind her that she had no idea what I would do when I wasn't with the fam. It was an ever-present pressure, only a portion of which was lifted when I moved out two years ago. Another, slightly larger chunk was lifted when they moved to Peru. But I still have a lot of guilt. I definitely feel like I have a lot of morals(?), but a large part of those "morals" are based in guilt. Is this a good thing? Is this normal? I may never know.
What I do know is that I had no intention of developing so much on this subject. I actually sat down to type a brief summary of what I've been up to the past six months and to discuss my goals for 2011.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that without seeing them face-to-face or interacting with them on a regular basis, I think about my parents a lot. Today was one of those days. I had so many flashbacks from the past 21 years, birthdays from my childhood, family trips, weekends on the beach, piano concerts of mine that they attended without skipping a beat, deep conversations we had about human nature and societies across the globe, that time my dad paid me $100 to throw away my bud/bowl/Zippo, the day I decided I was going to try LSD for the first time and the day my parents "discovered" my sexuality (they were the same day, although the latter happened first), the day I graduated high school, the night I got broken up with for the first time (8th grade—no big deal in retrospect but disastrous at the time) which was also the first time they found me crying and I couldn't/didn't tell them why…
It's funny how I wrote that I "think about them" a lot, but everything I just described above is a moment from my life. I guess those were moments in their lives, too.
Well, this is my blog after all…so I guess it's OK that I write about me a lot.
This is getting really long and I feel like I'm weaving through topics like…okay, I was about to make a joke about Peruvian drivers. The stories my 'rents tell me are scary. Four cars side-by-side on a two-lane road, all trying to get in front of each other. No llamas on the street, though that would probably make the constant near-death-experiences worth enduring.
I still don't know what I want to do with my life or what path I'm on at the moment. I'm doing what I do as best as I can and figuring it out one learning experience at a time. On an unrelated note, I need to go to sleep. So I'm going to make a list of what I meant to write about today and what I'll write about in my next post.
New year's resolutions for 2011, in no order whatsoever: go back to being a vegetarian, stop burning bridges and attempt to fix a couple of them, save money, get some exercise, always be on the hunt for new music, find a place in which I can comfortably and happily live on my own.*
*Okay, I need to expand on that last one. My brother has decided that he's joining my parents in Lima in a few months. Could be as early as May but more likely towards the end of the summer. Regardless, I AM SCARED SHITLESS. A little. Moving in with my 32-year-old brother after not having lived together for several years was a great help in the transition to having my parents on another continent.
I still have time to make a choice between moving out of this apartment and getting my own place (ideally a studio in Coral Gables or Midtown/Wynwood) OR finding a roommate to take my brother's room (our apartment is in South Miami). But since I'm crazy and like to plan everything centuries before it's necessary, I can't stop thinking about it. I'm sure I'll get over it eventually. Maybe if I focus on those resolutions I'll relax a bit.
Oh, and this.